Realizations

Well it has hit me, I am never going to have any more children. It is this strange mixture of peace and sadness. I look at my perfect family and I know we are complete. I know that we are where we need to be in terms of being able to provide financially as well as emotionally. Not that we would not have, or by God's devine intervention, would welcome a fourth child, but seeing as that is highly unlikely I have had to face the end of my child bearing days. It is not even that I want another baby, but perhaps the feeling of knowing that I am growing a little being inside of me, feeling kicks and hicups. It's almost sureal. I also feel a bit guilty. Most of you know that Karl and I had problems conceiving Brianna. Two and a half years, multiple tests and being told that we would not be able to concieve "naturally" did not stop God from doing the impossible. While my story may sound and even feel amazing to me dealing with infertility has opened my eyes to another world and I cant help but feel guilty for stopping my body from doing its "purpose" when we struggled and others struggle to have the miracle(s) that seem to now come so easily to us now. I also think of my perfect birth experience being ripped from me. I have no more chances to get it right I think it also has brought a touch of reality to me on the fact that my babes are growing up fast. Too fast. The years seem to fly at the moment and sometimes I struggle to remember the girls baby days. Lastly, I think of my little Jamie. I look at Luke and think that had things gone the way they were meant to last time that I would be looking at Jamie instead of Luke. I mourn for my precious little one, and then think at the same time that I can not imagine not having my Luke here.

Perhaps it is just a touch of post partum depression or sleep deprivation, but at the moment my thoughts seem scattered and incoherent.