Fresh Air

Who doesnt love fresh air (besides my 15 year old brother who would rather be locked in a closet with his laptop than be outside)? There is nothing better than a clean, or in my case simi-clean, house, open windows and a fresh breeze. I love the summer but the heat here in Texas is stiffling and stuffy. So, I have put the baby in my Moby Wrap, popped open some windows, turned on the fans, and have been cleaning up for the last hour or so. It smells better and it feels better, fresher. I highly recommend it.

Pictures!

So as not to end my blogging for today on such a sad note we had photos done today and I am pretty pleased!

September 11th

We all remember this day. We all remember where we were when we heard about the Towers. We all remember how it felt to be invaded and to hear of all the lives lost, and those families who now had to bury their loved ones. Some never even got to do that. I remember it. As sad as I feel thinking about what happened that day what is really on my mind is not Sept 11 2001 but Sept 11 2005. You see, that was the Sunday we decided to go with my parents to the park on gross road. I was on the actual playground being silly with my Brianna when my mom walked up to me looking white as a ghost. Now to this day I still feel guilty about this, but my first thought was that something had happened to Keira. I yelled at her, "Whats wrong mom?! Keira...", "No, Keira is fine". Sweet relief. "Pip has committed suicide". If you have never been through this you can not begin to imagine what kind of hit that is. At that moment though all I can remember thinking is Thank God its not Keira. Is that selfish or what? Pip is Karl's dad. He was a wonderfully strange man. He invoked motherly feelings. You just wanted to pat him on the head and take care of him. He was emotional. He loved Karl. Idolized him even. It was very hard for both of them any time we had to say goodbye. Which brings me to the next thing, now logically Karl knows that he should not blame himself for this, but he always makes a phone call on Sunday to his family. That Sunday he decided to wait until after lunch to make it. He never got the chance. I remember him asking me in tears why his dad didnt give him the chance to say goodbye. I cant rationalize it. I mean really there is no explination that makes sense when someone takes their own life. He really had alot to live for. He had family, and two beautiful grandchildren. He never even got to see Keira. I look at Luke and think, man would he have been glowing to see this precious little boy. Why would he deny himself those chances? Why would he deny them the chance to meet him? So for those with the natural curiosity of what happened this is the best description I have; both Shirley and Peep were in the house, they ate dinner and things proceded as usual. Sometime in the early evening, the times escape me, Peep comes down stairs, gives Shirley his signature thumbs up, and walks upstairs, gets his gun and shoots himself through the mouth. Shirley runs upstairs to find him. I dont know how she survived the trama of that day. She even still lives in the same house.

Now, I want to end on a happy note and I will tell you that about 2 years prior to this Peep gave a profession of faith. Of course only Christ knows his heart, but it is our belief that he is in heaven and that we will meet him there one day. What comfort in a time like this!

Need to get this off my chest

You are not the first person to discover that Anna and banana rhyme. That means when you laugh like you just told a really good joke, you just look silly. NO, it is not Mulder as in Mulder and Scully. I never watched the X-files. Heck I was only 11 when it first aired. I wont laugh at that joke and once again you are not the first person to think of it.

Ahhh much better LOL

Oh the songs they sing

I love how kids have their own versions of songs. My Keira was singing her rendition of "Do Your Ears Hang Low". Let me me share:


Do your ears hang low?
Do they woggle to and flow?
Can you tie them in a knot?
Can you tie them in a bowl?
Can you throw them over your shoulder,
(I cant understand what she is trying to say for this line)
Do your ears hang low?

Afterward she asks me if she can sing it faster, but what she actually means is can she sing it louder LOL.

My oldest has somehow picked up this:

I can ride my bike with no handle bars, no handle bars, no handle bars

Not sure where that came from :S

Realizations

Well it has hit me, I am never going to have any more children. It is this strange mixture of peace and sadness. I look at my perfect family and I know we are complete. I know that we are where we need to be in terms of being able to provide financially as well as emotionally. Not that we would not have, or by God's devine intervention, would welcome a fourth child, but seeing as that is highly unlikely I have had to face the end of my child bearing days. It is not even that I want another baby, but perhaps the feeling of knowing that I am growing a little being inside of me, feeling kicks and hicups. It's almost sureal. I also feel a bit guilty. Most of you know that Karl and I had problems conceiving Brianna. Two and a half years, multiple tests and being told that we would not be able to concieve "naturally" did not stop God from doing the impossible. While my story may sound and even feel amazing to me dealing with infertility has opened my eyes to another world and I cant help but feel guilty for stopping my body from doing its "purpose" when we struggled and others struggle to have the miracle(s) that seem to now come so easily to us now. I also think of my perfect birth experience being ripped from me. I have no more chances to get it right I think it also has brought a touch of reality to me on the fact that my babes are growing up fast. Too fast. The years seem to fly at the moment and sometimes I struggle to remember the girls baby days. Lastly, I think of my little Jamie. I look at Luke and think that had things gone the way they were meant to last time that I would be looking at Jamie instead of Luke. I mourn for my precious little one, and then think at the same time that I can not imagine not having my Luke here.

Perhaps it is just a touch of post partum depression or sleep deprivation, but at the moment my thoughts seem scattered and incoherent.

I need a hug

To add to the last few days...

I usually set up all doctors apts for first thing in the morning. I find that I am usually in and out much faster this way. So as usual I show up for my pp checkup at 9:30am. I sit and sit and sit. Finally around 10:30 I ask if I am up soon. Uh, your apt is at 11:15. What the heck?! I have NEVER scheduled an apt for that late. I would rather have gone the next day. Well, needless to say, my house is too far to go home and come back so we sat some more. Finally around 11:40am I am called back. The apt lasted 5 minutes. I get downstairs to my car and wow great I have a parking ticket to boot. My meter had run out. I put 3 hours on it and still ran out of time. Perfect. Grant it the ticket is only $20 but do you know what $20 can buy? By this point I am so tired and frustrated that I just cried. Bless my husband for knowing that now was not the time to tease. He just told me it was not a big deal. Im glad he feels that way cos it still totally ticks me off.